The Storm (renamed)
RevisedThe temper of the breaking waves at shorebelies the placid, panoramic viewof distant waters etched in navy blueacross the skyline, staid and ever sure.And dancing wildly on the shivering...
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Neal, I like your idea, but the sonnet has some problems, although some of them are very minor "nits."Let's take it line by line.Line 1: No comma after shore.Line 2: Belies, not belie. You are saying...
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Hello Neal,I think Margaret had some excellent suggestions -- I'm grateful, myself, to have a grammar expert on Board! That being said, I want you to know I like this very much. There are lovely lines...
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Margaret,Thanks for the comments. I have taken on most of your comments in the revised poem. I kind of like L14 as it is though. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
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Katina,I'm glad you like it! It's certainly useful to have many expert opinions on this board. Thanks for commenting.
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I do enjoy this poem--it is an elegant snapshot of the beauty and turmoil both within and without the speaker. The meter is solid, and the whole of the poem flows very steadily through the turn and to...
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Neal, this is much improved. You still need to get rid of the comma after "view,"--and I just don't understand "life sat on the beach." Sat is past tense, and you are contemplating "life sat." Are you...
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StationaryMinstrel, thanks for your comments. I have moved the comma as you suggested. I don't like the title myself, I also tend not to think about titles when I'm wirting and then just as I was...
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I just happen to have free time this period. So here goes:I think you could use a new title for this one. 'CONTRASTS' is a bit flat.The temper of the breaking waves at shorebelies the placid,...
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February, thanks for you comments. It has been really useful to get so many constructive suggestions. I have incorporated what I can. I've been a bit stuck on the title, I have changed it to "The...
View ArticleRe: The Storm (renamed)
Neal, I like your new title much better. And yes, the repunctuation (is there such a word) of the sitting-on-the- beach line does help, but it is still open to misinterpretation. "I contemplate my...
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An excellent revisiion, Neal. A great final couplet. Bravo!Margaret
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Thanks Margaret. It has been encouraging to receive positive feedback on this one. I have posted a few poems here before but they haven't really worked. I think I will persevere now that I know I'm...
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